Today’s movie trailer review is of Juman…I mean, Zathura. This is a movie which has nothing to do with the movie or book Jumanji and involves two little boys, a board game, a floating house, and no doubt several people in foam rubber alien suits.
I was going to start off this review with some clever quip about how I’d already seen this movie the first time when it was called Jumanji. That plan was blown out of the water when I reached the end of the trailer and discovered the story was written by the exact same guy.
I suppose blatantly stealing ideas from your own books is allowed, but I was a little foggy on what would motivate such a thing. That was before I discovered the movie Jumanji grossed over $250 million. Even after they paid Robbin Williams, that’s still well over $200 million, and that’s not even considering the book sold quite well in addition. Hell, I’d rewrite one of my reviews in a slightly different, but still instantly recognizable fashion if it would net me a portion of that pie.
Therefore, I’m going to simply finish this review by copying and pasting a review I wrote a year ago. Enjoy.
Twelve years have passed since the last Terminator movie which means a sequel is definitely due. In fact, some might argue that if it takes more than ten years to make a sequel then you probably just shouldn’t make one at all, but that’s not the purpose of this preview; the purpose of this preview is to enlighten all of you on what a kick ass movie the next terminator movie is going to be.
This Terminator movie is dubbed T3 for short, clearly a reference to Terminator 2: Judgment Day which was called T2 for short. Also, it’s cool to have titles with equal amounts of letters and numbers in them. The full title of T3 is Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines which qualifies it to be nominated at this year’s Academy Awards for the stupidest movie title of the year award. Last year this award was taken by Star Wars: Attack of the Clones, which also received the biggest mistake of the year award.
This time around the world is again threatened by a mechanical menace from the future. This machine of mayhem will be portrayed by Kristanna Locken, who you might remember from the TV series Mortal Kombat: Conquest, which was nominated last year for the worst idea for a TV show…ever award.
This new breed of terminator, as I learned from imdb.com, is called the Terminatrix. I’m going to leave a few lines of blank space so you can have ample time to laugh at that.
In case you’re curious, the name Terminatrix is up for the most blatant attempt to capitalize on another popular film’s name award this year. Luckily, the film makers decided to shorten the name to TX. This is a good thing because having an X in the name of something indicates it is a technologically advanced product—such as Windows XP, Mac OS X, Xbox, and Arrid XX. As stated clearly in the trailer, this new terminator is made for eXtreme combat. I emphasized the X in extreme to point out the connection to the name TX and also to demonstrate why this nickname is up for the stupidest attempt to integrate pop culture into a movie award this year.
This time around, Arnold Schwarzenegger—you might remember him from…the last Terminator movie—again plays the T-850, which is interesting because in the last two movies he was the T-800 Model 101. This means one of two things:
- In this movie Arnold is actually a different robot altogether, only somehow he looks, talks, and acts exactly the same.
- The screen writers didn’t bother to do any research before taking on this project and instead spent all their research time and money doing coke lines off the ass of some hooker down in Mexico.
The correct answer is, of course, c: It’s been twelve years since the last movie and no one really remembers anything about the TXX4500whatever.
But it doesn’t really matter because Arnold is once again packing a rocket launcher as a replacement penis, and that means tons of shit is going to get blown up. Considering a good half of the trailer consists of gasoline explosions, we can be sure to expect a lot of action in place of plotline during the actual movie.
And finally, at the end of the trailer I was pleased to see Arnold will again be spouting corny catch phrases, and thankfully not new catch phrases but old recycled ones. Where the Terminator movies would be without unoriginal catch phrases I don’t know.
Will T3 be worth your time? Well, if you want to see some chick who used to be on a dorky Mortal Kombat TV show running about in tight leather and Arnold shooting rockets off at everything that moves, then yes. If that doesn’t sound so appealing then perhaps you should put your money towards another film, like any other movie coming out this summer.
- If you’re looking to see a Terminator movie: 3
- If you’re looking to see any movie worth seeing: ½
- If you actually remember that this review stated with the movie Zathura: 1 ½
