Today’s trailer review is Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith. This movie features the same slew of characters as the last two, and thankfully has a far better title. Let us hope no movie ever uses the phrase “Attack of the…” in the title again. You can’t find the trailers on Apple Trailers because Lucas is trying to take over the world with his evil empire. Luckily, I’ve linked directly to the videos.
Quite frankly, I had no idea this movie was near release, let alone premiering within two months. Although my level of indifference is fairly high, I felt obligated to throw together some sort of preview, since I appear to have done so for at least the last one. Following is the result of that indifference.
In the latest establishment of the once revered Star Wars series, Aniken Skywalker appears on screen with long flowing locks of curly hair, baby blue contacts, and what some would define as a robe—but which I have decided is definitely a dress—all in an attempt to further establish Darth Vader as an irritating, whiny little bitch, rather than the embodiment of evil he was in the original movies.
Am I bitter? Perhaps so.
Wait. Let me rephrase that in a manner which more accurately reflects my feelings:
I am fucking bitter.
Perhaps I am bitter because the trilogy I grew up worshiping, idolizing, and possibly even deitizing, was snatched from my still infantile mind, molded into a shape altogether unrecognizable, and then presented to me as if it were something which could possibly ever pass as a substitute for the perfection which epitomized the originals.
Perhaps I am bitter because I spent countless hours as a child watching the first three Star Wars movies over and over and over again, whereas I have only seen the last two twice apiece: once to witness the horrific tragedy that embodied those films, and once to verify that tragedy.
Perhaps I am bitter because I was shown the Promised Land, only to find it was a mirage, created out of the broken shards of my dreams.
Or maybe I’m just bitter because the new action figures aren’t as cool as the old ones.
There are several things to note about this movie:
- Natilie Portman is only seen three times in these trailers. That means, unlike previous movies, the various directing, acting, and humanity offenses scattered throughout the movie won’t be overshadowed by the fact Natilie Portman is hot. To compensate for this, there appears to be at least 50% more explosions, as well as 50% more time spent Oooing and Ahhing over special effects.
- Following the smashing success of including ewoks in The Return of the Jedi, Lucas has decided to include a bunch of wookies in this installment. Although the wookie cries of “rrruuuuhhh…” will be slightly less annoying than the ewok noises of “brraaahhhh…,” we all know that the only difference between “rruuuhhh” and “brrahhh,” even though they are spelled differently, is that the plush toy which goes “rruuhhh” will cost ten dollars more than the one that goes “brrahh.”
- Despite having access to unlimited funds, soldiers, and no doubt concubines, the emperor was evidently unable to attain a dental plan which could adequately counteract the negative effects the dark side of the force suffered upon his teeth.
I’m at least glad to see Lucas dispensed with all the sissy crap in this trailer, opting instead to reduce the content to a series of explosions and light saber battles. A decision I pray to God he has chosen to incorporate into the finished product. If I have to watch even one shoddily scripted soap opera scene between Anakin and Princess Amadala I will be using my popcorn bucket to hold more than just popcorn. I will be using it to hold the head of the person sitting next to me, because I won’t be held responsible for the rage which will awaken inside me, rise up, and assail the nearest convenient target.
Evidently I’m not so indifferent after all.
- If you want to see a Star Wars film: 1
- If you want to have your heart broken one more time: 2
