Some movies bring you back to your youth; back to the days of smuggling a sterling silver flask into the theater and emptying the contents into your extra super large coca-cola, much like Lucky the Leprechaun steals away behind a forest tree and dumps the sugary sweet insides of his pilfered cereal box into his breakfast bowl. Though not as common these days, some movies call for a return to the epic liquor stow away. This is one of those movies. Not since “Slither” has a movie so necessitated alcohol consumption as an essential component of the viewing experience, and not since “Anaconda” has a movie nearly demanded the act.
After examining the content of these three films, the question must be asked, “should snakes ever be the feature of a major motion picture?” The answer is clearly no, unless of course, the goal is to get totally snockered while making an evening at the theater which, after viewing this trailer, may certainly be the case. In fact, after watching this trailer, I find it difficult to comprehend the intended purpose of the modern movie theater is anything other than a stopping point for people who are too far from the bar to walk the distance before sobering up.
Perhaps the most baffling thing about this movie is Samuel L. Jackson. During numerous interviews, Jackson has said he signed onto this project simply because of the name; he didn’t even bother to read the script first! It continues to baffle me that this man seemingly refuses to partake in quality film productions, yet somehow manages to maintain some form of credibility in the entertainment realm. No other actor I know of has managed to shackle together such an aura of coolness out of one or two arguably decent films which were released over a decade ago.
Getting back to the topic at hand, and purely for the purpose of including the obligatory list, I’m going to mention several types of alcohol you should sneak into this movie. These are best purchased in the little plastic shooter bottles, as they are easier to conceal and cost about $1.50 a piece. Not that I’m advocating or am knowledgeable of such behavior, I just thought the article should be thorough.
- Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum
- Jack Daniel’s No. 7
- Bacardi 151
That should be enough to get you to the end of the movie, or at least induce a state of unconsciousness by the end of the film. Try to eat a meal with a lot of fat in it before you go, like pizza or fish and chips. And try to pace yourself or something. It’ll be fun. Really.
Enjoy.
- If you want to see a movie about snakes on a plane: 1
- If you want to get totally plowed at the theater: -3
- If you want to see Samuel L. Jackson put another nail in the coffin of his career: 2
