Quite frankly, I don’t really have much to say about this movie, mostly because I’m rather bitter about not managing to jump on a huge cash cow franchise such as this myself. Not that I’ve had numerous opportunities to do such a thing, but it seems to me if you really want to secure a financial future for yourself then the best way to go is to sign up to be in a movie series. It doesn’t even have to be a paying gig to start; do the first one for free if you have to. Hell, you don’t even have to worry about landing a staring role, just a recurring one. A new Harry Potter movie comes out every one and a half years, which is almost like being on an annual salary. By the time they get to the eighth movie, they’ll be paying the guy who plays the school janitor well over six figures.
Keeping that in mind, I’ve decided my new goal is to become the next James Bond. Granted, they just signed Daniel Craig to the role, but that gives me time to work on some sort of foreign accent and wait for Craig to fail due to his blond hair. You may be wondering why I haven’t chosen to jump on the Harry Potter train. Most of the stars in these movies are already pushing the envelope as far as age goes—the characters in the book are still around age ten I believe—so a 26 year old flailing a wand about really doesn’t make much sense. But, by the time Craig retires, I should be just old enough to take over one of the most lucrative and recurring roles in existence: Sean Con…I mean, James Bond. And after that…the world. Sean and I will rule on high from opposing thrones and inflict our tyranny across the globe in double 0 fashion.
Getting back on track…
This iteration of “Harry Potter and the insert catchy object and element name here” features Harry up to his usual shenanigans; only this time, he appears to have hit puberty because there’s a lot of talk about a ball and dating, which then deteriorates into a quite a bit of discourse about some sort of blood sport game which no one really cares much about, because the much more important fact is that in 2008 Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince comes out, at which point Harry and Hermione can legally have sex on screen, which is what everyone is secretly hoping for, but which I’m just going to go ahead and say, despite legal consequences and public backlash aimed at covering up similar thoughts.
Come on, like you didn’t suspect the review was headed there.
Admit it.
You’ll feel better.
- If you like Harry Potter: 3
- Harry Potter what?: 2
- If you’re disappointed it’s not 2008 yet: you’re a pervert
