Today’s trailer review is of Blade Trinity, which is the third movie in the Blade franchise. It will once again feature Wesley Snipes as a half vampire, half human, half actor fighting vampires, werewolves, or something like that. At any rate, he has a big sword he hits people with and a large boot he kicks people with.
I came out of the theater from Blade 2 acutely aware of the fact I was two hours closer to my own death. As we all know, sequels are never, ever as good as the previous film, so if I go to see Blade Trinity, I may well meet death himself in the theater.
Since it seems mandatory to have excessive amounts of lists in my trailer reviews, this time I’ve decided to just dispense with the review altogether and simply list the reasons you should and should not see Blade Trinity.
Five reasons to not see Blade Trinity:
- I can’t believe this is the third—count them: one, two, three—third movie in this franchise.
- Wesley Snipes has not been in a good movie since the original Blade, and arguably not since “Passenger 57.”
- Jessica Biel, although a seemingly decent reason to see the movie, has never been in a good movie.
- The last vampire movie I saw was “Underworld” and now I won’t settle for anything other than a female vampire in black leather as the lead in any vampire movie.
- How did Ryan Reynolds get cast in this movie?
“Do you have any experience in action movies?”
“No.”
“I see. Have you ever been in a vampire movie?”
“No, but I was in Van Wilder.”
“I loved that movie! Welcome aboard.”
Five reasons to see Blade Trinity:
- All right, Jessica Biel is a valid reason to see the movie.
- The $7 extra large tub of popcorn smothered with the super fake butter you’ll buy to help get you through the movie.
- The trailer featured lots of explosions and lots of shooting. Let’s hope there’s more of that.
- The first one was ok, and even though the second one sucked maybe the third one will be better so you may as well go to find out. That, and for the popcorn. And for Jessica Biel.
- Because you’ve got to get off your ass and do something for God sake. That computer chair is starting to take on permanent divot marks—ok fine, so I couldn’t think of a fifth reason.
- If you want to see a vampire movie: 1
- If you love movie popcorn: 1 ½
