Satirical Movie Trailer Reviews and Commentary.

Latest Reviews

Snakes on a Plane

The question must be asked, “should snakes ever be the feature of a major motion picture?” The answer is clearly no, unless of course, the goal is to get totally snockered while making an evening at the theater.

Bullets, Blood, and a Fist Full of Cash

There were enough interesting plot twists to keep me curious about what was going to happen next; that is, until Cash bayoneted a gang member with a combat shotgun, and used him as a human shield while emptying the rest of the clip into the remaining thugs on screen, at which point I realized I really didn’t care much about the plot.

Bloodrayne

I played the Bloodryane game for approximately five minutes before I came to the shuttering realization that five minutes of my existence had been completely and utterly destroyed by what was possibly one of the worst implementations of videogame controls, graphics, and voice acting to ever spew forth from the maw of the gaming industry.

Underworld: Evolution

Kate will once again be flaunted across the screen in a skin tight outfit, which suits me just fine, and this time it appears as though there will be twice as many explosions and twice as many low angle shots from behind Kate.

The Fountain

I’ve never seen pi, nor will I likely see this movie, but I will nod approvingly as if I have whenever my geek friends make references to it, as should you, therefore enforcing the belief that the movie has far more importance than it likely does.

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Ramblings

Ebert and Roeper have recently introduced a new gesture to compliment their Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down rating system. It’s called—I swear I am not making this up—The Wagging Finger of Shame. When I first heard about the new gesture, I assumed it was intended to rate the increasing number of movies for which two thumbs down is simply not an adequate enough depiction of the physical disgust one will feel while sitting in the theater. However, it turns out The Wagging Finger of Shame is actually a gesture Ebert and Roeper use—and plaster all over their website—when a production house does not have advanced free screenings for the press before a movie release. Basically, Ebert and Roeper are pissed they have to pay to go see the movie like everyone else.

Personally, I think this is a good thing. I’ve been baffled for years over Ebert’s lack of consistent reviewing. A movie which is basically the identical twin of one released a six months ago may receive a totally different review. Suddenly, everything makes so much more sense. If Ebert doesn’t lose anything other than a few hours of his life due to a horrible bomb at the box office, he’ll hand out whatever rating strikes his fancy at the moment. If he’s feeling hungry and the movie features cookies, he may give it a 10. Movies with more than four boob shots get two thumbs up.

“I loved this movie! Of course, I didn’t have to pay for it, so the bad plotline, horrible script, and sub par acting didn’t have the same monetary sting on my wallet as they will on yours when you plunk down $10 to see it in the theater.”

I realize Ebert is so rich $10 doesn’t have quite as much of an impact on his financial state as it does on the working class, but that seems like all the more reason for him to have to pay to see films. I can’t even afford to see more than a few movies a month at the theater. Do I sit around bitching and moaning about how AeonFlux didn’t let a distinguished reviewer such as myself see it for free? No; I take action, make up whatever I feel like about the film, and post my slander on the internet in a fit of retaliation against my poverty.

Not to mention, what kind of a sissy name is Wagging Finger of Shame? Are production companies really expected to change their ways due to the disgrace and humiliation inflicted by a wagging granny finger? How about something more along the lines of The Clenched Fists of Retribution, The Unyielding Brass Knuckles of Punishment, The Obstinate Sledgehammer of Indignation, or The Stalwart Rocket Launcher of Castigation?

I say more production companies should take a stand. Instead of Ebert and Roeper at the Movies, it should be Ebert and Roeper Pay to See the Movies. I’m not saying production houses should cease to let other reviewers into advanced screenings of films, just Ebert and Roeper—in fact, only Ebert would be fine; I’m flexible. Join me! By using our combined bionic powers, film makers and poor internet reviewers will rise up against Ebert and AOL, our tyrant oppressors of freewill, and use The Stalwart Rocket Launcher of Castigation to strike a blow to the very heart of the boring and outdated reviewing structure, setting free the thoughts and opinions of millions of movie goers around the world!

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